


Aftermath

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angry Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gay Sex, Loss of Trust, M/M, Missing in Action, Post-Betrayal, Slow Build, Starfleet, resignation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-04-06 13:41:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 19,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4223808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk is accused of crimes against Starfleet. When the Federation presents evidence, Kirk is given a choice, resign or face court-martial and a possible lengthy prison sentence. When the only one who seems to believe he is innocent is Bones, Kirk resigns and leaves Starfleet and everyone else behind.</p><p>Five months later, Spock comes to see him to tell him Bones is missing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jim: Missing Persons and Orion Pirates

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Последствия](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12151251) by [Madiken2510](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madiken2510/pseuds/Madiken2510)



I was shaken awake. Surprisingly with a lot of force considering how petite she was. I opened one eye and peered at her.

“Jimmy!”

“What?”

“Someone’s at the door.”

I closed the eye again. “Ignore it. They’ll go away.”

She sighed. “No, they won’t. They’ve been banging on it for like twenty minutes.”

I opened both eyes this time. I stared at her. I couldn’t quite conjure up her name. She’d ridden me good the night before, but honestly she had outstayed her usefulness. I wasn’t even sure why she was still there.

“Cause you drove me here, asshole.”

Oh, I’d say that out loud. I ran a hand over my unshaven face. I couldn’t really remember when I last shaved. I hated shaving. Really there was no reason to anymore anyway.

I heard the banging then.

“Son of a bitch,” I muttered and sort of rolled out of bed. I pushed up onto my knees by steadying myself on the mattress. “You should probably get dressed.”

She eyed me like I was a bug. “I am dressed. You’re the one who’s naked.”

“Oh.” I got to my feet and stumbled from the room and toward the stairs of the farmhouse. I still smelled like tequila. And perfume. And barf. Weird combination.

I made it down the stairs, though I slipped a couple of times and missed a few steps, and then walked the short distance to the front door.

She was coming down the stairs after me, “You should at least put on a robe or something!”

I opened the door.

Spock—my ex-first officer, ex-science officer, ex-friend, ex-almost boyfriend, though that one was probably more in my head—stood on the doorstep wearing a black coat and a black beanie. His expression was—as usual—eerily blank.

“Spock.” It was meant to be a question, though clearly I knew it was him, but it came out sounding far more reverent than I meant it to sound.

“Jimmy,” the woman behind me. “Put this on. You’re naked!”

Spock’s gaze went from staring at my gaunt, bearded face down my bare chest, down to the dangly thing between my legs, to my feet, and then all the way up to my face again.

She pushed the robe at me and with a glare at her, I managed to get it on.

“Captain Kirk.”

The tone was as cold as a winter blast from Delta Vega.  And he was as intimidating as one of the monstrous creatures from there too.

“I’m not a captain anymore, Spock.”

Which was totally true. I’d been offered a choice. Resign from Starfleet or face court-martial and possible imprisonment. Bones had wanted me to fight it and have the trial, certain I would be acquitted. But Spock was part of the group of Starfleet officers who would be testifying against me. I knew I didn’t have a chance.

“Who is this, Jimmy?” the woman shrieked behind me.

And really it was on the tip of my tongue to ask her who she was. I had no clue. She had amazing vaginal muscles, that much I knew.

“This is Spock. Come in.”

Spock stepped inside, but still said nothing other than his initial ‘Captain Kirk’.

I turned to her. “You, uh, you need to leave. I guess I’ll call someone to come get you.”

“There is a taxi service waiting outside for her,” Spock said coolly.

“Oh. Okay. So, um, see you.”

She glared at me. “You really are an asshole.” She went to the door and flung it open, but as she closed it behind her, she said, “Call me!”

I blinked and rubbed my face. “Yeah. Um. Anyway. What’s up? The Fleet decided to charge me after all?”

“No. Perhaps you would benefit from coffee,” Spock said. “And a shower.”

I waved that last part away but I did stagger into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. He followed me in, but continued to maintain silence.

“If you aren’t here to take me into custody, Spock. Just why are you here?”

“We need your help, Kirk.”

I barely kept from wincing. Somehow ‘Kirk’ was even worse than Captain. I didn’t know why. Well, okay, I did. Just before all the shit went down, Spock and I had been about to become closer than friends. I thought so anyway. There’d been that kiss. It held so much promise, I had begun to hope my feelings were not as unrequited as I’d thought. Hope was for idiots.

I poured myself coffee. I drank it black and bitter. Spock looked like he was carved out of stone.

“You want some?”

“As you are aware, I do not consume coffee.”

“Oh that’s right. I am aware of that. Well, too bad for you, I don’t have any tea. I’ve got some beer and some vodka. I drank all the tequila though.”

“I am not here on a social visit.”

I smirked at that. “Gee, really? What’s it been? Uh. Four and a half months?”

“Five months, one week, three days, twelve hours, and forty-two minutes.”

“And seconds?”

Spock looked at me with that cold stare again. I was pretty sure the creatures on Delta Vega would run from him.

I sighed. “In case you didn’t notice, I’m not at my best. And definitely not up for Federation visitors.”

“As I said…your help is needed.”

“My help?” I shook my head. “I owe them nothing. I owe you nothing.”

“Perhaps that is true.”

“No perhaps about it, _Captain_.”

Yes, Spock was captain of the Enterprise now. An unbelievable  betrayal. But then Spock believed everything they’d said about me.

“I have nothing to say, Spock. You’d better leave.”

“We need your assistance in locating a missing person.”

“Huh?” I sighed. I didn’t want to know. I really didn’t. “Who? Who is missing?”

“Dr. Leonard McCoy.”

I stared at him. I could feel the muscles in my jaw clench and lock. I made a fist, ready to punch his blank Vulcan face.

Spock must have guessed my intention because he took a step back. He was so fucking calm about it too. I let my hand relax.

“What the hell have you done with Bones?”

“Dr. McCoy went missing during a routine landing party mission,” Spock said without inflection. “Our scans indicated he was no longer on the planet, Rinston. There were also no signs that he had perished there either. He simply ceased to be there.”

“And you just left him there?”

“He was not there to leave.”

I blew out a breath, my stomach twisting with emotional pain as well as the acidity of coffee mixed with booze. “Starfleet has trackers. Why come back to me?”

“You know Dr. McCoy better than any trackers. And it was at my request that we asked you to be part of the search.”

“ _Your_ request?”

“Yes. You can, of course, refuse to part of the effort to locate him.”

I narrowed my eyes. “You think someone abducted him. This isn’t just to find him, but to rescue him.”

Spock did not reply and I had my answer.

“I have certain conditions.”

“Conditions?”

“What are we talking about here, Spock?”

“I am able to offer you the position of Commander as my temporary first officer.”

I snorted at that. “Nope.”

“Nope?”

“That’s one of my conditions.”

His stare was icy. “Surely you do not think you will obtain back your position as captain?”

Now this made me laugh. “Oh, hell no. I don’t want to be part of Starfleet. Not your crew and not Starfleet. And that’s my condition.”

“I do not understand.”

“No uniforms. No orders. Nothing. If I come along with you, I’m not under your commander. Or those asshole admirals. I answer to me.”

“Discipline is needed in order to maintain order,” Spock said.

“Forget it then,” I said with a shrug. “I know an Orion pirate. I’ll get with him and we can go looking for Bones. I don’t have to help you. You came to me.”

I poured more coffee.

“I’m going up to get dressed. Maybe I’ll take a shower. Who knows? If you’re still here when I come back down then I’ll know you accept my terms. If you aren’t, I’ll contact my pirate friend.” I made it to the foot of the stairs.

“You have a pirate friend?’

“I do.”

By the time I finished showering and dressing—the tequila smell mixed with sexual fluids and barf was getting even to me—Spock was standing at the stove cooking breakfast. Eggs and potatoes.

“Smells good,” I commented as I came up behind him.

“You did not shave.”

“Hey you got a shower out of me. Be thankful.” I eyed the breakfast. “So? Then you accept me on your ship without being a crewmember?”

“In order to have security access to everything—”

“Oh bullshit. You can get me whatever access I need and we both fucking know it. Look, Spock, you do whatever. And you can fuck off anytime, really. I have other options. I’m going to find Bones whatever the hell you and your bosses do.”

“I believe it would be in our best interests to work together,” Spock said quietly.

“Yeah?”

“And in Dr. McCoy’s also.”

“So I’ll get the accesses I will need?”

“Yes.”

I went to a cabinet and pulled something out. I tossed it toward Spock, who caught it automatically.

He stared down at it. “It is a box of teabags.”

I smirked. “Guess I had some after all.” 


	2. Spock: The Stress of Uncertainty

I was not used to this bitter Kirk. I should not have been surprised, for he had always had a hidden rough side, but during the years of our friendship—our acquaintance perhaps more accurately—I had not been subjected to it on a frequent basis.

This was not the Kirk I had fallen in love with. Rather he was unknown to me. A stranger. But then even before the time we’d spent apart I had not believed I truly knew who Kirk was. The evidence provided to me by the Admiralty of his guilt had been irrefutable. And yet even then I felt uneasy.

“So where’s your ship?” Kirk asked.

He made a peculiar emphasis on ‘your’ that I did not quite grasp the inference of. He had dressed in jeans that were an odd shade of silvery gray. His shirt was also gray. He wore ankle boots. With the patches of gray in his beard he was one seeming mass of gray.

“In San Francisco, docked,” I replied. “As soon as you are ready for departure, we can take a shuttle there.”

We were seated at his dining room table eating the breakfast I had made for us. His bloodshot eyes still held a sort of vacancy that caused me mild concern.

“When was the last time you heard from the doctor?” I asked as I lifted the teacup to my lips for a drink.

Kirk shrugged. “A while ago.”

“Could you attempt to be more specific?”

“It wasn’t long after my court-marital.”

“You were never court-martialed. You resigned.”

Kirk smirked and chewed a bite of eggs. “You aren’t winning any favors with your attitude, Spock.”

“Attitude?"

“Never mind.” He waved his hand dismissively. “It’s pointless to go around and around like this with you. Been there, done that.”

I opened my mouth to reply but was not certain what to say so I closed it.

“The crew still the same?”

I nodded. “It is unlikely it would change dramatically in the time since your resignation.”

“Five months, one week, three days, twelve hours, and forty-two minutes.”

I merely raised an eyebrow at that, which only seemed to amuse him because he grinned.

“You’re not a bad cook when you want to be.”

“I am not sure what desire has to do with cooking, however, it is a simple matter to fry eggs and potatoes.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He waved around his fork.

I floundered for a moment, uncertain how to deal with this Kirk. “How is it you know an Orion pirate?’

“Not sure you want to know that, Spock.”

“You were involved in additional illegal activities?”

“Additional?” Kirk shook his head. “You really are a prick sometimes.”

“The evidence—”

“Was manufactured. But you go ahead and believe whatever you want.” Kirk stood with his plate and walked over to the sink to wash it. “As for the pirate, we had sex. Multiple times. I spent a few weeks on the planet long before I was in the Academy.”

I frowned slightly. “You must have been quite young.”

“I was legal. Barely. But legal. I needed a place to stay and he provided it.”

“You slept with him for room and board?” Even I heard the dismayed accusation in my words.

But Kirk didn’t get angry. He didn’t show any reaction at all. Just continued to wash his plate.

“And you keep in touch with this pirate?”

Kirk shrugged. “I know how to get ahold of him if I need him. Any other aspect of my relationship with him is none of your business, Mr. Spock. I’m going to pack a few things and then I’ll be ready.”

I nodded and took my own plate to the sink. “I will be waiting when you are through.”

“I won’t be long.” And he headed up the stairs.

****

Nyota was waiting for us when we stepped off the shuttle in San Francisco. I had alerted the lieutenant of our impending arrival. She wore her red uniform dress and stood holding a PADD. I had yet to inform her that Kirk had refused any reinstatement to Starfleet.

Kirk zeroed in on her the moment he saw her. I watched as his eyes narrowed and then his lips twisted in a smirk that was almost a grimace.

“Are you two back together then? How cute is that?”

I opened my mouth to correct him, but he was already walking away, past Nyota, the tails of the long silvery gray overcoat he'd put on over his shirt before we left Riverside trailing behind him.

“Spock?” Nyota asked, stopping me from following after him immediately with a hand on my arm.

“He is…changed,” I told her. “Quite bitter.”

“I’m not entirely surprised given what happened. I’m more surprised he agreed to come.”

“Only because it is the doctor who is missing. And he refuses to be a part of Starfleet again.”

“He refused? What are you going to do? We can’t have a civilian on the Enterprise. ”

I arched a brow. “Apparently we can. Admiral Nogura approved him as a Federation consultant.”

She folded her arms over her chest. “A consultant?”

“Apparently.” Kirk was far ahead of us now and out the door of the shuttle bay. “We need to go.”

****

“I’ll have a cheeseburger,” Kirk said. “Extra cheese. And fries.”

“Your eating habits have deteriorated,” I said as I ordered a salad. Nyota followed my lead which only caused Kirk to roll his eyes.

We were not due to board the Enterprise for two more hours so Kirk had expressed a desire to eat. We’d chosen a restaurant close to where the Enterprise was docked.

“I’m pretty sure what I eat is none of your business,” Kirk said coolly.

“Perhaps not. Nevertheless there is nothing forbidding me from commenting on it.”

“Guys,” Nyota said with a sigh. “I know we’re all under a lot of stress right now due to the disappearance of Leonard.”

“You mean abduction.”

“We don’t really know that, Captain,” Nyota said. She bit her lip. “Kirk. Jim.”

He waved that away. “It makes the most sense. It’s what Spock suspects.”

“I know. But we don’t really have evidence to that effect.”

“Just…speculation,” I said.

“It’s a working theory.” He smiled at the waitress who arrived with their food. After she put our salads down in front of us, she turned her back on us and began openly flirting with him. Their words were muffled until we heard, “Well, I’m actually leaving for space in just a couple of hours.”

“Oh. For how long?” she asked.

“It’s kind of an unknown thing, It’s a dangerous mission.”

She leaned forward. Nyota exchanged a look with me. “How dangerous?”

I couldn’t see him, she was blocking him from my view, but I knew what smile he would be wearing and my stomach felt queasy.

“Pretty dangerous.”

“I get off in half an hour,” she purred.

“Well, that’s very good to know—”

“Diana,” she supplied.

“Diana.”

“I’d better get back to my shift,” she said, then move away from their table.

Nyota glared at him. “You’re unbelievable. Your best friend is missing and you’re thinking with your dick.  Not to mention you’re doing that right in front of Spock.”

Kirk looked at her with his withering captain’s stare. “Are you finished?”

She squirmed and looked down at her salad. “Yeah.”

“Don’t ever question how I feel about Bones. Ever.”

“I’m sorry,” she said softly. “Like I said we’re all stressed out.”

“Indeed,” I murmured.

Kirk sighed and picked up his burger. “Yeah. The sooner we can get going, the better.”   


	3. Jim: I Want to Throw You Off a Cliff, Then Rush to the Bottom to Catch You

I didn’t know how hard it would be until I stepped onto the Enterprise again. It was like I was covered in open sores but they were all on the inside. Raw and bleeding.

I was tempted to run my hand along the bulkhead as I followed her new captain down the corridors, but I wouldn’t give Spock the satisfaction of such an emotional display. I could be as big a bastard as Spock if I needed to be.

At least Uhura had slunk away. I didn’t really think they were fucking again, but maybe they were. I wouldn’t put it past either of them, really. But I thought really they were not. And so them being together in any capacity shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did. Maybe I would have gotten through that one day, but then Spock had stabbed me in the heart. Metaphorically, anyway.

He stopped outside quarters I knew had belonged to an officer. I almost made a crack about how he should have let me stay with the regular enlisted, but the truth was I was far too spoiled for that now and I didn’t want to. As former captain surely I deserved some perks.

Spock accessed the door and then stepped aside to let me in first. He had been mostly quiet since we’d boarded the Enterprise.

Spock entered the quarters behind me and the door slid closed as I surveyed it. “Does it meet with your approval?”

It did. But I said, “Does it matter?”

“Yes.”

I turned to him then, getting up in his face, in his space. He didn’t step back but there was the tiniest trace of a flinch, gone before I could call it one. There were traces of dark circles under his eyes I hadn’t bothered to notice when he came to Riverside. Spock wasn’t sleeping well. Was it the disappearance of Bones or something else he regretted?

“What am I really doing here?” I demanded then.

“I beg your pardon?”

“You don’t need me to find Bones. I don’t have some special telepathic connection to him or anything. Why come to me? What is this?”

Spock hesitated for so long I thought he was going to turn around and leave without responding. There was torment in his eyes I pretended not to see.

“I believed you would want to know of Dr. McCoy’s disappearance. You would be angry if no one informed you.”

“Damn right.”

“And if you were informed then I also knew you would insist on searching for him yourself. Perhaps with someone like the one you suggested, the Orion pirate.  I would rather—if your intention was to endanger your life— that I would be in the vicinity while you were doing so. I had also assumed it would be a good way to have you once again be a part of Starfleet and I was even able to obtain their agreement. But of course I should have known you could never be predicted.”

“Yeah, you should have. But then…you really don’t know me at all. Do you, Spock?”

“I—”

“You have no idea how much I want to fucking bash your face in right now,” I said, letting the rage I’d felt for months build up inside me. But instead of bashing in his face, I was pushing him against the bulkhead and crushing my mouth over his.

Spock gave a little startled whoosh of air and then he was kissing me back, fiercely and possessively. I carded my fingers through his silky dark hair and yanked with all my might even as I clacked my teeth against his, harsh and hard, punishing.

I climbed up him, like he was a pole, wrapping my legs around him. I bit his lip, drawing Vulcan blood, and I sucked in the bloody bottom lip. He growled at me and started biting me back, savagely. I didn’t care. I welcomed it.

I slipped my hands between our bodies and undid the fastenings of both our pants, then pulled out our hard cocks, fisting both of them, stroking them against each other.  Spock made a little mewling cry as he turned us so that he was slamming me against the bulkhead as I stroked us.

It was agony, it was ecstasy.  We were fighting each other for control, losing to each other. Spock was stronger, but he was holding back, I knew it.

I sucked his tongue into my mouth to the root and he moaned in protest, but his only other reaction was to slam me harder into the wall. I slipped a little from him and had to scramble for purchase, tightening my legs and humping up his torso.

He added his hand to mine, his fingers curling around my cock as I continued to fist his erection. Our pre-cum slicked cocks slid along each other, our lips connected over and over, our tongues dueling for dominance.

I don’t know who came first, and I don’t think it mattered. We were both ejaculating all over each other, gasping into each other’s mouths.

I leaned my head on Spock’s shoulder, catching my breath. I was aware of his arms around my back, holding me close. I pulled back then and leaned my forehead against his, breathing in his breaths as he breathed in mine.

“I hate you,” I told him then.

For several seconds his eyes widened, pain and regret evident in those brown depths. He nodded slowly.

“There’s a hole inside me that grows every day and it’s all because of you,” I continued, softly, almost like caressing words but they were anything but.

“Jim—”

The intercom whistled.

“Bridge to Captain Spock.”

Spock stiffened and I was lowered to the floor.

I closed my eyes and kept them closed. I could hear Spock doing up his pants.

“I will be right there,” Spock said into the intercom.

I knew he was there, staring at me, but I still wouldn’t open my eyes. Finally I heard the door to my quarters open and close. I clenched my fist and punched the wall, not caring about the pain. I welcomed it.   


	4. McCoy and Spock: Trapped

**Leonard**

I’d lost track of time. It was easy to do when you were in nothing but a square dark room without windows or any sort of ventilation. I didn’t see the sun. If whatever planet I was on had a sun. For that matter I might be on a ship. I really didn’t know.

The walls of my cell were made of some stone-like material so I assumed it was on a planet, but whatever alien had me, I wasn’t sure what their technology was. At first I had believed it was the Klingons or the Romulans, but they would have been brazen about it.

My captors came in wearing disguises, their limbs covered, their faces too. And the cell was kept dark, barely lit so all I could see were shadows as they brought food to me.

So far I had not been questioned or even taken out of my cell. They didn’t talk to me even when I demanded they do.

I was living in my own silent hell.

I was on Rinston, minding my own business, running my tricorder when I suddenly lost all feeling in my limbs. As I collapsed to the ground I tried to yell for help but no sound came out and then I lost consciousness.

I woke up here in my own nightmare.

The Enterprise of old, under Captain James T. Kirk, would have left no stone unturned to find me and rescue me. But that Enterprise and that captain were gone. Jim was in Riverside doing God knew what and the Enterprise was captained by a hobgoblin who only believed in facts. No sentimentality at all.

Jim once asked me what Spock would have done if he’d been the one stuck in the Volcano and I had told him exactly what I believed to be the truth. Spock would have let Jim die.

And therefore, if Spock would let Jim die, one of only two friends the hobgoblin seemed to have, then I could imagine he would abandon me not long after discovering me missing.

Perhaps I was being too harsh in my assessment of Spock, but it was his fault Jim had sunk so low. I knew my best friend wasn’t doing well. He had reverted to his old harsh uncaring self which hid the vulnerability he so desperately wanted no one to know of. Jim had fallen hard for Spock and Spock had turned his back on him.

And on me, I supposed.

I would die here. Or so I imagined. My captors were treating me as well as they could under the circumstances, but how long would it take before the darkness and unknown drove me into madness?

****

**Spock**

The turbolift doors opened on the bridge behind me and without turning around I knew who had stepped off the lift. His presence was electric not only to me but to everyone on the bridge.

“Keptin on the—” Chekov’s words faltered and the young ensign turned red.

Kirk smiled in his direction and walked over to him, patting his shoulder. “Hello, Pavel. How are you?”

“I am good, sir.” Chekov cleared his throat. “It is good to see you.”

“Thank you.”

Sulu said, “It’s good to have you back, sir.”

“Oh, I’m not back,” Kirk said. “Far from it.”

He turned in my direction then, with a brief glance at Nyota at her station. “Permission to be on the bridge, Captain?”

“Permission granted.”

His lip was cut where I had sunk my teeth in only a short time ago and I noticed I had left a mark on his neck just below his right ear. I had not even remembered doing it, but I knew it was from me.

Before we had boarded the Enterprise and after our lunch, Kirk had disappeared for a while, I had surmised with Diana from the restaurant, but he provided no explanation. But I knew he had returned without any sexual marks upon his skin for I had inspected him. Not that I had a right to do so. I could not prevent it, even so.

He stood next to my chair. “What’s the plan, Captain?”

To everyone else’s ears there was probably nothing discernable about the way he said ‘captain’. But I knew Kirk—Jim—enough to know there was just a touch of sarcasm every time he said the word.

“We have plotted a course to the doctor’s last known location. At warp six we anticipate reaching Rinston in thirty-six hours.”

Jim nodded. “Very well. I will be in my quarters scanning the system around Rinston. Assuming I have received all my needed clearances.”

“You have,” I replied.

He looked around the bridge briefly. “Who’s your first officer?”

“At present I have none as I have not appointed anyone to the position. I had anticipated your being my first officer.”

He snorted at that. “You’ve had five months to find a first officer, Spock.”

I had no response for that. I was unsettled being captain. It had not been my ambition. Nor had I been ready for the results of Starfleet’s investigation and subsequent resignation of Jim.

Jim shook his head. “You know where to find me should you need me.”

I watched him walk away and head for the turbolift. I was more than a little tempted to follow him. As I had been doing these many months. As I should have been doing still.

I could not shake the feeling that I had been very wrong.    


	5. Jim: Aching Soul

Somehow I expected the chime of someone wishing to access my quarters. And I knew exactly who to expect.

“Come in, Spock,” I said, even as I deliberately steeled myself against any feelings. If he could do it so could I.

He walked in, hands clenched behind his back, looking cool and collected. Not at all like he carved out my heart with his betrayal. Just like nothing had ever happened to sour our relationship. I was torn between wanting to punch his face in and wanting to fuck that cool blankness right out of him.

The fucking won out.

I got up from my desk and came around to where Spock stood. He must have seen something in me because his eyes widened ever so slightly, his nostrils flared minutely.

“You need something?” I asked in a deliberately mocking voice.

“I—”

Seldom was Spock at a loss. In fact, I don’t know if I ever witnessed it. But he certainly appeared to be floundering now.

I advanced on him, getting up into his space. “Yes, Mr. Spock?”

“Captain—”

“Ah, but I’m not captain, Spock. Remember? You made sure of that.”

“I did not.”

“Was that-was that what you wanted all along, Spock? Did you want to be captain? Did you resent me taking over as captain during Nero’s attack so much, that you saw your chance?” I shook my head. “Now that I think about it, you’d be the perfect guy to frame me. You have the knowledge. The abilities. The need.”

For a moment Spock was unable to hide his stricken expression. But it disappeared as soon as it flickered across his blank face.

I stood against him now. I felt the heat of his body, the beat of his heart in his side. I could hear the shortness of his breaths. I put my hand on his chest and pushed him toward the bed. Surprise was on my side and he went easily, falling onto his back, the back of his thighs hitting the mattress.

“Jim?”

“Be quiet, Spock. Whatever you have to say will be completely logical and neither one of us wants or needs that right now.”

I began to unfasten his pants and he stared up at me in surprise. My grin was feral as I made short work of it, already yanking his pants and briefs down to his knees. I didn’t even bother with removing his boots. I liked the idea of him being trapped there at my mercy.

I was not surprised to find that his cock was already hardening and as I gazed down at it, it got harder still, even as Spock’s face turned a darker shade of green.

“You know,” I said as I pulled of my shirt and discarded it across the room. “We never got to fuck. A shame really. Because I have to say…I really wanted you inside me.”

I had discarded the short boots I wore onto the ship earlier in the evening when I had made certain preparations for exactly this, so it was easy to just peel the just short-of-too-tight gray jeans from my body.

Spock’s eyes widened when he saw I had gone commando and was now kneeling next to him completely naked. I did not miss the hunger in his gaze.

“You want this as much as I do you logical bastard,” I said hotly. I swung one leg over his crotch and then straddled him, keeping myself raised just above his fully hard cock. I gazed down at him. “Admit it.”

“Jim,” was all Spock said and I suspected it was meant to be a protest but came out on a groan he could not prevent.

I gazed down at his erection, licking my lips. “I really need to get around to sucking you. I want that in my mouth.”

He blinked rapidly but otherwise his expression did not change. I grinned and began to lower myself onto his cock, impaling myself slowly.

“Jim, I do not wish to hurt you,” Spock gasped, as his hands came up to grasp my hipbones, stilling my movements.

“Could have fooled me,” I shot back. Then I shook my head. “I’ve already taken care of it. I knew you were coming. Knew we’d fuck.”

Despite his grip, I slammed down on him, burying his cock in me, balls deep. He gave a shuddery moan as he filled me completely. He was large, sure, but I was used to taking different sizes up my ass. I could take him easily.

I rocked forward slightly and then back, seating myself on his fat Vulcan dick. I liked taking it better than giving it, but I was hardly a passive bottom, as Spock was about to find out.

His grip tightened on his hips and I knew I would have finger bruises all over me and I didn’t give a fuck. He could brand me for all I cared. He thrust up into me, deep and rough, and in response, I slammed right the fuck down, making him whimper with the force of it.

“Yes, you bastard, fuck me hard,” I urged, riding him fast and furious.

The room was filled with the sounds of our pants and moans, the bed swaying and creaking with our violent fuck.

I gripped my dick, my fingers curling around my shaft, as I slid them over the tip and ridges, down to the base. My mouth fell open, pulling a cry from me I could not stop. I tightened my ass muscles around Spock’s cock, drawing out an answering “Jim”.

I threw my head back as my balls tightened and I painted his goddamn command gold tunic—which seemed so unbelievably wrong—with my seed. He lurched up into me so hard, so violently, I nearly came off him, but my thighs clenched on to him as he emptied himself into me with a growl that seemed very un-Vulcan-like.

I pulled off of him immediately and flopped down next to him. There was no cuddling between us, no kisses, we just lay stiffly beside each other. I was wondering what the hell had happened to fuck us up this much. I didn’t know what Spock was wondering. And I found I wasn’t even sure I cared.

I continued to lay there when he stood and did up his pants. I didn’t even lift up to watch him leave. I just listened to the sound of the door opening and closing. I was alone again.


	6. Spock: As If I'm Becoming Untouchable

I do not know why or what, but something made me turn around before I ever made it to my quarters. I stopped in the middle of the corridor, ignoring the strange looks the crew sent my way. This-this could not be how it ended. Not for us.

I walked over to the door of his quarters and accessed it without waiting for him to allow me entry.

He was sitting up now, on the edge of the mattress. Had not bothered to get dressed yet. He glanced up at me, startled, when I stepped inside the room. For a moment I could see the naked vulnerability in those blue depths, but he shuttered it quickly.  

“Spock?”

“You cannot so easily dismiss me,” I told him.

Jim was already shaking his head when I stopped him with my hand on his jaw. He stared up at me.

“No one can wreck me the way you do,” I said softly. “And you know why.”

“Do I?”

I nodded. “I am in love with you.”

He frowned. “Yet you don’t even trust me.”

“Your past history suggested to me that you would employ any means to obtain the outcome you wished.”

“Are you still referring to the Maru?”

“That and other occasions. You rescued me from the Volcano when you should not have.”

“Part of me wants to say I regret that now.” Jim’s lashes lowered briefly over his eyes, then rose. “I can’t though.”

“Nor can I regret what I did to save you.”

“More than once.”

I nodded again.

“Yet still you believed I would deliberately allow a man to die out of spite? Or what? I admit, Spock, I didn’t like Finney. He was incompetent and didn’t like that I thought so. But I didn’t send him to his death because of any of that. The ship was in danger. That storm was killing us, Spock. You know that. I didn’t want to jettison his pod.”

I blew out a heavy breath. “The evidence suggested you acted hastily during a yellow alert. Evidence the computer supplied. The computer also supplied evidence Finney had been blackmailing you over your affair with Admiral Komack.”

“I was not having an affair with fucking Komack,” Jim said through clenched teeth. “Let go of my face.”

I released his jaw.

“When did I have time to be fucking around with Komack, Spock?”

I looked away. “I saw the video of your sexual acts with him after you recovered from the Khan incident. There were several graphic videos that provided proof of your affair.”

“What would be my motive for an affair with that old windbag anyway?”

“He provided influence on your retaining command of the Enterprise following the incident involving Admiral Marcus and Khan. Other admirals admitted they were considering relieving you of command.”    

Jim’s jaw clenched. “And as I fucking told you before, all of that so-called evidence was manufactured. I’ve never been with him. Never. I was not being blackmailed by Finney.”

“Unfortunately, Admiral Komack’s death from a heart attack several months ago meant that the admiral was unable to refute the claims.”

“And my denial is apparently not good enough.”

“There were witnesses who vouched that you did indeed spend lengthy visits in Komack’s office,” I replied.

“Talking about the future. Not having sex.”

“It did appear that was your likeness and that of Komack’s in the sexually explicit videos.”

Jim stood up and walked past me, reaching for his clothes off the floor as he did so. “You know what? We’re done here.”

“Jim—”

“I didn’t do any of that. I didn’t fucking do it. I may have done a lot of shit over the years. Yes, some of it illegal. But I’ve never done that. I’ve never killed a man to get my jollies or to cover up some tawdry affair I had to save my sinking career. And I can’t even wrap my head around the fact you actually believe I would.”

“The—”

I was suddenly slammed against the bulkhead with unexpected force. Jim was in my face, his hands on either side of my head, trapping me there.

“Don’t you fucking say ‘evidence’ again to me, Spock. I don’t want to hear that damn word out of your mouth again. What do you want from me? Huh? Do you want me to kiss you?” Jim crushed his lips over mine…a searing, brutal kiss that somehow turned into desperation as I gasped under the assault of Jim’s mouth. The taste was so familiar yet so rare and precious. When the kiss ended, our foreheads touched, our breaths panting out. “You want me to say I love you?”

Jim’s voice cracked when he asked and I found my throat was too raw to get any response out.

“Okay. I love you. I love you so much it’s eating my soul like some fucking disease. Is that what you want to hear?”

I shook my head.

He closed his eyes. “Well, it’s true. And if anyone should have been on my side it’s you, Spock. And you weren’t. And you aren’t. And it’s killing me.”

I felt light headed with shame, with pain. “I am. I will be. Tell me what I need to do.”

He abruptly pulled away from the wall and me. He turned his back on me. “It’s too late.”

“I do not want to lose you.”

His laugh was low and hollow. “You already have.”

My heart twisted. "That cannot be true."

"What I want now is to find Bones. That's what is important to me." He turned to face me. "Can you do that?"

"I will," I vowed. I only hoped I could keep that vow. 


	7. Jim: The Appearance of Friends

I hadn’t really expected to find any sign of Bones on Rinston. There was no way it would be that easy. Yet as I stood on the planet, knowing there was not a single clue as to what happened to Bones, my brother and friend, I felt frustrated and sad. Bones didn’t deserve to have this happen to him. He was one of the good guys. He was a fucking doctor not a war strategist. What was the point of abducting him?

“I apologize,” Spock said quietly. He stood to my right.

I glanced at him. “For what?”

“For what happened to Dr. McCoy.”

I turned to face him with a shake of my head. “Spock, whatever is going on with you and me, I don’t blame you for Bones. I know no one could have done better than you. This isn’t on you, it’s on whoever abducted him.”

“I feel responsible.”

“Yeah. Welcome to being the captain. You feel responsible for everything. And I guess in a way you are. No matter what the psych shit tells you, you can’t really get the idea out of your head.”

Spock suddenly didn’t want to look at him. “But of all crewmembers to go missing, I would have avoided such an outcome. That I, in anyway, added to the burden I have already placed upon you is difficult to accept.”

It was difficult to hold onto the bitterness I felt at Spock believing lies about me. When he was like this anyway. The thing was, if our situation had been reversed and Spock had said he was completely innocent, I would have believed him, no matter the evidence presented as facts to the contrary.  But then I placed no significance on so-called facts. Not from the admiralty and certainly not from Finney.

I decided a change of subject was in order for both of us. Although, really, it wasn’t much of a change after all. “The worst part is there is no evidence or clues about what might have happened to him. There are other planets in this system that are inhabitable?”

“Yes, Captain.” Spock turned even further away and cleared his throat. “Yes, Jim.”

“Okay. We’ll need to check those out. It’s quite possible Bones isn’t far at all. I hope not anyway.” Just as I took a step to return to the coordinates for beaming back to the Enterprise the ground beneath me gave way like it was quicksand and I lurched forward straight into Spock’s arms. Spock’s arms wrapped tightly around me and pulled both of us further away from the sinking ground.

I found my face really close to Spock’s. Our eyes met, held. My heart betrayed me and beat faster. “Thanks.”

“You are welcome, Jim.”

“You don’t think Bones fell into one of those things, do you?” I asked with dread.

“Our scanners would have picked that up,” Spock assured me. “So I do not believe that is the case.”

I blew out a breath. I was aware we were still locked in an embrace but I couldn’t seem to make myself move. It felt good to be there. And I hated myself a little for feeling that way.

My hand was on his cheek suddenly and I tried to tell myself I wasn’t sure how it happened, but the truth was I had put it there and it was impossible to pretend otherwise. Impossible to pretend touching Spock wasn’t something I always wanted to do.

Our lips had moved closer too and really I wasn’t sure if that came from me or him or perhaps both of us. For a moment I really thought we were going to kiss.

“Jim.”

The sound of my name coming roughly from his lips broke the spell.

I nodded and pulled away. “We need to get back to the ship.”

“Yes.” We walked over to the coordinates and Spock spoke into his communicator. “Two to beam up.”

****

“Captain, we are being hailed by a…an Orion ship,” Uhura announced from her station.

I opened my mouth to reply when I remembered with startling clarity that I was standing next to the captain’s chair and Spock was seated there. Thankfully I recalled before making a complete idiot out of myself.

“On screen,” Spock said.

A beautiful Orion male appeared on the screen, grinning wildly. His bald head was adorned with a jeweled headpiece and his wink was downright devilish. His very muscular chest was bare. I couldn’t help my smile in return as I took a step forward.

“Jouten,” I greeted him.

“Hello, my beautiful one,” Jouten replied in return. “It has been a long time but you are just as fetching as you ever were.”

Spock stiffened beside me. “Who are you?”

Jouten turned his gaze to Spock. “This must be your Vulcan.”

“Right,” I agreed. “Captain Spock of the Starship, Enterprise.”

“Captain, hmm? A lot has changed for you, James. Though the circumstances are regretful, I was pleased to hear from you.”

Spock narrowed his eyes and glanced at me. “This is the pirate you spoke of?”

“Er, yeah. I figured he could help us locate Bones. He knows a lot of nefarious places.”

“Too true,” Jouten said jovially. “If you wish, James, my ship is ready to receive you. I can transmit the coordinates to the crew of the Enterprise.”

“I was thinking you would come aboard the Enterprise, Jouten.”

“An Orion pirate aboard the ship?” Spock’s eyebrow disappeared under his bangs.

“It appears, James, he would prefer I did not. Come, we can get reacquainted.”

Spock became stiffer still in his chair. “You will beam aboard the Enterprise. James Kirk is under my care, currently, and I do not trust him in the hands of pirates.”

Jouten smirked. “Oh ho. I see. It’s like that, is it? Very well. Myself and my entourage will prepare ourselves.”

“Only you,” Spock said quickly. “I do not desire a ship full of pirates.”

Jouten inclined his head. “Very well, logical one. I will prepare myself and come aboard. James, I look forward to our reunion.”

“Me, too.”

The screen went blank and I looked down at Spock in the captain’s chair.

“You could have told me you contacted him,” Spock said coolly.

“You’re right. I should have. I contacted him before we ever left Earth.”

Spock steepled his fingers and rose from his chair. “Mr. Sulu, you have the conn. Mr. Kirk, you are with me.”

I followed him into the turbolift. As the doors closed and the lift began to move, Spock reached over and stopped its ascent.

“Spock, what—”

I was slammed against the bulkhead as Spock was fully in my space, his face next to mine, my hands held above my head with his very strong grip.


	8. Spock: A Falling Star Fell From Your Heart and Landed in My Eyes

“Please. Do. Not.”

Jim’s breath hitched. “Do not what?”

I felt his anxiety, his fear, his excitement through our skin contact. And his sorrow, his torment. Pain. Immediately I released him, feeling shamed.

“You fear me?”

Jim stepped back slightly from me, rubbing his wrists where I had grabbed and held them.

“No.”

I shook my head. I realized how much of himself Jim had been blocking from me. That moment when I had startled him, he had been unable to hide it. “You are lying. I felt your fear. I would not hurt you. You could attack me right now with the intent to kill me and I would not fight back.”

He didn’t look like he believed me. “Why not?”

“I have vowed I will never hurt you in any way again. I apologize for manhandling you.” I restarted the lift. “Your friend will be awaiting us in the transporter.”

“Spock, I—”

The doors opened and I stepped off before he could continue whatever he planned to say. As we walked toward the transporter he continued to cast glances at me. It occurred to me that I probably ought to reprimand him for inviting an Orion pirate to rendezvous with our ship. I was supposed to be captain, though I had been acting as though Jim still was. But I could not reprimand him. I could not. I had wronged him too much already I feared. Nothing made logical sense anymore.

 As we entered the transporter room, I fought to get myself under control once more. I had no right to dictate who Jim did anything with. I was the one who had not stood up for him, as he had pointed out. Yet, I hated the idea of him with Jouten. I wanted him nowhere near Jim.

“The Orion is ready to beam aboard, Captain,” the transporter chief announced.

“Very well,” I said. “Energize.”

As soon as Jouten had fully formed, he was jumping down from the transporter pad and straight over to my—to Jim.

And Jim was smiling. A glorious, welcoming smile that punched me in the stomach.

Jouten had lifted Jim in his arms without any effort and swung him around like Jim was a rag doll. Jim didn’t seem to mind judging by his indulgent laugh.

“It has been far too long, my angel,” Jouten said, lowering Jim to the floor once more. “You are even more beautiful than last I saw you.”

“Jouten—”

The pirate suddenly pulled Jim close once more and began to enthusiastically kiss him. I saw his tongue slip into Jim’s mouth. I wanted to pull them apart. I recognized I was breathing heavily.

Jim pushed at Jouten’s shoulders after a moment and the Orion released him. Jim flicked his head toward where I stood.

Jouten laughed as though something was quite funny. “Ah, right. Your Vulcan. You must be the venerable Spock.”

“I am Spock,” I replied stiffly.

Which made the pirate laugh again. “Oh my. He’s quite cute, isn’t he?” Jouten stomped over to me. He had very heavy footfalls. “Apparently Jim has quite the attraction for green beings, wouldn’t you say so, Spock?”

“Jouten.” Jim rolled his eyes but he was smiling.

Jouten stuck his hand out toward me, but then he pulled it back. “Right. No touchy-feely for you Vulcans huh?”

“Unlike Orions who do not seem to know the idea of personal space.”

“Too true.” Jouten threw his head back in laughter. “You don’t need to worry, Vulcan. Jim and I are old friends. Are we not, my pet?”

“Er, yeah. Friends. I already told Spock about our past.”

“Well.” Jouten shrugged. “You must know how irresistible Jim is.”

I narrowed my eyes at him.

Jim cleared his throat. “We should get you settled.”

Jouten flashed a smile. “Oh. I assumed I’d just room with you, angel.”

I barely refrained from saying, over my dead body. Instead I said coolly, “We have arranged for you to have your own guest room.” On a completely different deck. I would have liked it to be a different ship.

“All right then. Jim, are you going to escort me?”

The doors of the transporter room opened and two security guards stepped in.

“Actually, Jouten, security will escort you.”

Jim blinked. “Is that really necessary?”

“He is an admitted pirate. The safety of the Enterprise and her crew is my priority.”

Jouten waved his big hands. “It does not matter, my pet. I will see you later, will I not?”

Jim did not answer but watched as security left with Jouten.

“Chief, will you give us a few minutes?” I spoke to the transporter chief.

“Aye, Captain.”

A moment later we were alone.

“What do you imagine he will do to help us locate Dr. McCoy?”

“He knows a lot of people, Spock. Species. Some unsavory.”

“Like himself.”

“Exactly. There are those who will talk to him but not to us. If Bones was sold into slavery or-or something like that, he’ll know.”

I did not miss the crack in Jim’s voice. I exhaled slowly and stepped closer to him. He looked at me with wide blue eyes.

“There is nothing I can say that will make any of this better,” I said softly. “And yet—”

“What were you going to say before? In the turbolift. You said _Please do not_.”

It was difficult to hold his gaze and yet I did. “I do not want you to be with him.”

He started to shake his head.

“He wants you and makes no secret of that. I have no right to expect…loyalty of any kind from you…but I find myself conflicted. You could engage in sexual intercourse with him and I would have no recourse for complaint. But it pains me nevertheless.”

He was staring at me with an intensity that stole my breath. His expression was unreadable but his eyes were soft with compassion.

“You’re right, Spock. You have no recourse.”

I nodded and made to turn away when his fingers touched my jaw and drew my gaze back to his. “Only you can make me bleed so much.”

“Jim—”

His lips covered whatever I was going to say. They were soft, warm, surprisingly gentle and at the same time filled with passion that was surely my undoing. I sensed his turmoil but it was muted once more. He was guarded as he had been before.  He pulled back but not away. I felt his warm breath grazing my skin. I had never wanted anything…anyone…the way I wanted him. It was a growing ache.

“You need to get back to the bridge,” he said softly. He said nothing else. Just released my jaw and left me alone in the transporter room.

I realized I had no idea if his relationship with Jouten would be strictly business and related to finding McCoy. 


	9. Jim: Forgiveness

“Where are you, Bones?” I hit the terminal in my quarters with my fist. It didn’t help me find Bones, but it did give me some small satisfaction. After the throbbing pain in my hand went away.

The door chimed and half expecting Spock, I released it. But it was Jouten. He wasn’t wearing much. Just a loose fitting pair of pants, knee boots and a ripped tank top that barely covered his massively muscled chest. I licked my lips. Then I regretted it because his gaze zeroed in on the movement.

Jouten stepped fully into the room, the door closing behind him. I got up from the desk and the terminal that wasn’t helping me find Bones. Jouten stalked toward me.

“Hello, my beloved.”

I rolled my eyes. “Cut the crap. I was never your beloved. Nor was anyone.”

Jouten smiled devilishly. “That is true. Why love only one when you can have so many? However I do feel a great deal of affection for you, beautiful one. Even if I do not wish to settle down.”

“You came to discuss finding Bones?”

He shook his head. “I have contacted those who may help locate your friend already. We must wait. I came to fuck you. As well you have guessed.”

Of course I’d known that. Based on his look, his clothes, his scent. His pheromones were giving off his desire unmistakably. I knew when I contacted him Jouten would expect a renewal of our sexual relationship was part of it. And perhaps I had done it on purpose, the idea of punishing Spock for his lack of belief in me had held some appeal.

“I’m in love with Spock,” I told him.

Jouten shrugged as he stepped closer. I could feel the heat radiating off him. “I do not care. I am not here to win your heart, my pet. Your love for the Vulcan is irrelevant to our dealings. Besides, I am aware your relationship with him has ended. You told me yourself.”

“I’m not sure it has. Or ever really will.”

Jouten grasped my biceps and pulled me close so that his mouth hovered over mine, our bodies were flush, I could feel his erection pressed against me. “It has been too long since I have filled you. Too long since I felt your heat surrounding my cock.”

I shook my head. “Jouten—”

His lips were on mine, stealing my breath with their almost brutal strength. His hand cupped my crotch squeezing me to hardness.

“Kroykah!”

I froze at the harsh, angry exclamation that could only come from Spock. I pushed at Jouten, who took his time releasing me. He turned toward Spock who now stood in my quarters looking really quite murderous. I put my hand to my throat, though the look was directed to Jouten.

“I will see you off my ship if you cannot keep your hands to yourself,” Spock said.

Jouten smirked. “Indeed.”

“I am reluctant to have you as a guest as it is,” Spock continued. “Should it become necessary, I will have you placed in the brig.”

“I shall return to my quarters instead, if that is all right with you, Captain Spock.”

Spock stepped aside to allow Jouten to leave. Just before he exited, Jouten turned back to wink at me.

When Spock looked in my direction, the anger fell from his face to be replaced with anguish. “You were going to be intimate with him?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “No. He just started kissing me. I was telling him no.”

“Perhaps he should be put in the brig for forcing himself on you then.”

“What did you want?” I asked, deciding I hated seeing that pained look on his face.

Spock did not meet my gaze. His expression went blank though. “To check on you. I suspected, perhaps, he would—” He was blushing just a little. “I am aware I have no right. My actions of the past are reprehensible and unforgivable. Yet, I do not want him near you. I do not want anyone near you.”

I took the few steps it would take to reach him. My fingers rose to his jaw, turning his head so that he would have to meet my gaze.

“Jim,” he whispered.

“Everything you say is true. That you didn’t believe in me, that you believed I would send a man to his death, that I was being blackmailed for sex with Komack…God, it hurt. It fucking hurts still. It’s like I have a hot brand on my chest.”

Spock closed his eyes.

“I thought if anyone would know me—know what I am capable of and not capable of—it would be you. Sometimes I forget you’re all about facts and figures and evidence. You try so hard not to be human that you fail not to be. You made a mistake, Spock. It kills me, yeah. But I love you. I love you so much. I think I could—would—forgive you anything.”

Spock let out a shaky breath as his arms came tight around me. I released his jaw and he buried his face in my neck, clutching me like I was his lifeline. For a long time we didn’t speak. We just stood like this together. We had a lot to work out…still. I still had so much hurt, so much pain, and I knew he did too. I wanted him to help me prove my innocence to Starfleet. Somehow we would do it, I believed that. But that could wait. Bones could not.  


	10. McCoy: Harm's Way

There comes a point when you lose all hope. A point when you think life has gotten as low as it can and praying for your situation to change would be to no avail. No matter how many times you repeat that you’re just a country doctor, nobody listens. The response is the same: nothing.

I had received no physical torture, but it might have been better if I had. For the psychological torture of being kept in what was essentially solitary confinement was worse. For me, anyway. I wished for numbness, oblivion. My wish was not granted for I could still feel, I could still think. Nothing had changed. And I began to believe nothing would.

When I heard the rustling outside of my cell, I didn’t even bother to sit up from my spot on the cell floor where I laid balled up most of the time. My own stench no longer got to me for I had gotten used to it. I assumed they were bringing me food, for likely it was the usual time. I wished they would stop feeding me so I could starve to death, but I didn’t get that wish either.

The cell door creaked open and this time I heard the low murmur of voices. Speaking standard.

“Get him up. Clean him. And bring him.”

I blinked up at the covered captor who approached me and none-too-gently hauled me to my feet.  “Where am I going?” My voice croaked, little used these days.

My captor didn’t respond, just pushed me from the cell into the too bright corridor. I shielded my eyes from the glare, squinting from the blinding light. I continued to be pushed down the corridor, my captor not caring if I stumbled and fell to the floor. He or she merely hauled me back up roughly, shoving me to the end of the hallway.

At the end we turned to the right and I was shoved into a room and into the hands of a woman. A human woman. I did not recognize her, but she was the first one I had seen who was not covered in disguise.

“Who are you?” I demanded.

“It’s best you save your questions, doctor, for the one who can answer them. Remove your clothing and get into the sonic shower.”

“I’m having trouble seeing.”

“Your eyesight will adjust eventually. Do you need assistance removing your clothes?”

“No.” Even still she placed her hand on my arm and led me toward the sonic shower. Her touch was gentle compared to the one who had brought me here. “Where am I? Is this a planet or a ship?”

But she did not answer and instead stepped away.

I removed my clothes and got in the shower, grateful to be clean for the first time in I didn’t know how long. Had the Federation somehow met their demands? Would I be released?

Once I was finished with the shower, she handed me new clothes. Overalls similar to what minors or prisoners might wear. They were brown and non-descript but they were clean.

“Sit, I will shave you.”

I sat in the chair she indicated and allowed her to shave me for I was not sure I could see well enough to do it myself. Just as she finished one of the covered captors appeared at the door.

“It is time.” A man’s voice.

I wasn’t sure what was meant by that but I understood I was to go with this man. It seemed bizarre they would clean me up just to torture me, but I had no idea what to expect as I followed the man in the opposite direction of the room I’d just come from.

We reached a doorway and he stood aside, gesturing for me to precede him. A hooded man with his back to me stood at the opposite end of the room, but when he heard my arrival he turned.

“Hello, Dr. McCoy.”

My blood ran cold. It couldn’t be. It could not be.

“Surprised to see me?” Khan lowered his hood.

“How?”

“Friends. I suppose you expected I would be forever frozen, hmm?”

“I had hoped so.”

Khan smiled. “No such luck, doctor. Speaking of friends, yours are getting closer to finding you.”

“Mine?”

“Kirk. Spock. Did you think you had been abandoned?”

“Jim is coming?”

“Oh yes. I have been looking forward to this for a long time. His downfall.”

“His—”

“One of those who helped me is named Finney. Have you heard of him?”

“Son of a bitch. You and Finney?”

Khan’s eyes were shining. “Quite. He’s here. Along with several other allies.”

“What do you intend?” I demanded.

“To trade your life for Kirk’s, of course.”

“No!”

“I am quite certain he will agree. Now, doctor. Have a seat. You may as well make yourself comfortable. And in fact, I don’t know about you but I’m hungry.”


	11. Spock: Carry My Lifeless Body Away From the Pain

Jouten had commed to speak to Jim about something to do with the doctor. I wanted to go with him for I did not wish Jim to be alone with the Orion pirate, but Jim made it fairly clear he did not want my interference, so I made my way to the bridge.

I would be contacting Starfleet about Jim when all this was over. When we had Dr. McCoy back. I had much to make up for with Jim and though he had advised that he forgave me or would, I knew there was still a lot of anger and hurt there.

“We’re being hailed, sir,” Nyota said from her station.

I turned to look at her. “By whom?”

Nyota’s eyes widened but she did not answer. She just pushed buttons.

“Lieutenant?”

She bit her lip, then turned toward me. “Khan, sir.”

Fury instantly burned within me. I quelled it. The turbolift doors opened behind me and Jim stepped down next to the captain’s chair. He exchanged a look with me and I knew that somehow he was aware of who was hailing us already.

“On screen,” I said, firmly. I was aware of my fists clenching, but I could not seem to unfurl them.

Khan’s hated visage appeared after a brief hesitation. He was smirking, like he was victorious. Jim tensed beside me, but said nothing.

“Ah, Captain Kirk. Just who I wanted to see,” Khan said. “I believe I have something that belongs to you.”

Suddenly next to Khan, appeared Dr. McCoy. And the man holding him was Commander Finney, quite alive and grinning like a madman.

“Kirk, my old friend,” Finney greeted Jim.

Jim ignored him. “Bones, are you all right?”

“Jim, don’t do what he says,” Dr. McCoy exclaimed.

“If I were you, Kirk, I’d ignore what the good doctor says. Unless you want to see me kill him,” Khan said coolly.

“How is it you are here?” I asked.

“Well now, Mister Spock, I have loyal friends. Something apparently your former captain does not have. Such a pity. I wouldn’t have thought you were so easily manipulated. Your admiralty, yes, but you?”

“What do you want, Khan?” Jim demanded from next to Spock. He had taken a few steps forward.

“You in exchange for the doctor.”

I heard several gasps from those on the bridge. One of them was Nyota. My fingernails dug into the palms of my hands, cutting. I felt no pain. Only rage.

“Jim, don’t do it,” McCoy said even as Finney struck the doctor.

“Fine,” Jim said. “I’ll do it.”

The entire bridge crew turned to look at Jim.

“Jim,” I said softly.

Jim shook his head. “When do you want to make the exchange?”

“What guarantee do we have of Captain Kirk’s safety?” I asked.

“None. It is not my intention to keep him safe,” Khan replied. “I am exchanging the doctor’s life for his.”

“When?” Jim repeated.

“Now is as good a time as any. I will send your ship the coordinates to make the exchange.” Khan’s image winked out.

“Jim—”

But he was already heading for the turbolift. Others were trying to get his attention but he paid no attention to them. I followed him into the turbolift.

“Jim, I cannot allow you to do this.”

“I’m sorry, Spock. But I am doing it.”

“Dr. McCoy would not wish for you to die in his place.”

The doors opened on to the deck with the transporter. Jim stepped out and walked down the corridor at a very fast speed. I followed after him.

“Jim!” I stopped him with hands on his arms, turning him to face me. “Khan intends to kill you. And he will show no mercy. Likely he will torture you before ending your life.”

Jim gave me a ghost of a smile. “I know, Spock.”

I felt an ache in my side like I had never felt before. Emotions were reaching up to choke me. I could only stare at him.

“I can’t let Bones die. Any more than I could let you die. Not when I can prevent it.”

He got loose from my grip and continued toward the transporter room. I followed numbly after him.

He asked the transporter chief, “You have the coordinates?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I will go in your place,” I said, desperately.

“He wants me, not you.” Jim pressed the comm. “Uhura, patch me through.”

“Ay-aye, sir.”

“Are you ready, Kirk?” Khan’s voice, mocking and oily.

“Yeah. Send Bones first. I won’t go until I see him.”

“No tricks, Kirk, or I blow up the Enterprise.”

“No tricks.”

My controls were slipping. This-this could not be happening. “Jim—”

“I guess you’ll have to find a way to rescue me, Mister Spock.”

The transporter activated and Dr. McCoy appeared. He had a bruise on his face and his face was ashen. He stumbled off the pad.

“Jim, no! No! You can’t do this. No!” McCoy reached for Jim desperately. “He’s a madman. He’ll kill you.”

“Not if you two rescue me.” Jim disentangled himself from the doctor. “Bones, let me go. I have to do this.”

He stepped on to the transporter. “Energize.”

I took a step forward and he disappeared.

“Spock! Are you out of your Vulcan mind?” McCoy cried. “How could you let him do that? I would have rather died than this.”

I turned and left the transporter without a word. McCoy followed after me anyway.

“Spock! Are you hearing me? Does Jim mean so little to you?”

They entered the turbolift to go to the bridge.

“He means everything to me, doctor,” I said quietly.

“Then why—”

The doors opened on to the bridge and we stepped off.

“Khan’s ship on screen, Lieutenant,” I ordered.

The ship appeared.

“What are we going to do?” McCoy demanded. “We have to get Jim back.”

“I am aware, doctor. Lieutenant Sulu, arm phasers.”

“Arming phasers.

“You can’t fire on them. Jim’s on that ship!”

Then as I watched the screen, opening my mouth to give the command, Khan’s ship blew up.

Nyota gasped, her hands going to her mouth.

“Son of a bitch,” McCoy shouted.

“The-the Keptin,” Chekov said in a shaky voice.

I continued to stare at the screen and the debris that used to be my…t’hy’la.   


	12. Spock: Out of the Darkness and Into the Light of the Day

“Sickbay to Dr. McCoy.”

The doctor ignored the page the first two times. He, like me, continued to stare at the debris on the screen in front of us.

When the page came a third time and the nurse, Chapel, sounded more urgent, I glanced his way. He was very pale and looked about twenty years older than he had a moment ago.

“McCoy here,” he answered, his voice cracking.

“Doctor, you and Mister Spock are needed in sickbay immediately.”

“Isn’t there another doctor on duty? I just came—”

“Now, Leonard,” she said sharply, and then ended the transmission abruptly.

McCoy glanced at me. “You don’t have to come, Spock.”

I shook my head. I tried to form words but at the moment I was having trouble. I headed for the turbolift and the doctor followed me in.

“I’m sure Jim—” He stopped. He didn’t seem to be able to say whatever he had intended to say.

We walked in silence to sickbay, each in our own thoughts. I was at a loss as to how any of this was logical.

When we entered sickbay, Nurse Chapel approached us immediately with a bright smile on her face.

“I have something to show you,” she announced.

“Christine—”

Jim appeared, coming out of a room behind the nurse. Looking very much alive. He held a communicator in his hand. “Hang on,” he spoke into the communicator.

“Jim!” Bones exclaimed as he grabbed hold of Jim and pretty much spun him around the room.

“Hey Bones,” Jim greeted the doctor as the doctor squeezed him tight.

“How the fuck are you here?”

“Uh, long story.” Jim looked toward me. He smiled. “You okay?”

“Affirmative, Captain,” I replied, forgetting he wasn’t actually my captain anymore.

“Uh, so, listen,” Jim said, extracting himself from the doctor’s embrace. “I never actually left the ship.”

“I do not understand.”

“That wasn’t me in the transporter room but Jouten.”

I blinked slowly. “Jouten?”

“One second. I need to take care of this.” Jim turned away from us and spoke into his communicator again. “You have them all secured?”

“Yes, I certainly do,” Jouten’s voice coming from the communicator. “It was remarkably easy. This Khan is not so tough.”

Jim smirked. “You just took him by surprise. I’ve been in contact with the Federation. They want all the prisoners transported to Space Station Four where from there they’ll be transferred to Earth custody.”

“Very well. I assume we will coordinate with the Enterprise and your Federation.”

“No doubt. We’ll be in touch shortly. Kirk out.” He closed his communicator and gave both myself and the doctor a sort of sheepish smile. “I guess I need to explain.”

“You’re damn right you need to explain,” McCoy said. “Not that I’m not really fucking glad to see you, Jim. But you scared at least ten years off our lives. We thought that ship blew up with you inside and now here you are with not a damn scratch on you.”

“There wasn’t time to explain the plan to either of you. And I’m sorry. But it was Jouten in the transporter room.”

“How is that possible?” I asked.

“Jouten learned how to shape-shift while on Antos several years ago. It was his plan to take my place and beam aboard Khan’s ship. Once he got there, he transported Khan and his crew onto his own ship and set a self-destruct sequence on Khan’s.”

“Son of a bitch,” McCoy said. “It’s insanely brilliant.”

“As long as it worked,” Jim agreed. “And it did. I’ve been here in sickbay coordinating with Jouten.”

“God, Jim, I’m torn between wanting to knock you out and hug the stuffing out of you,” Dr. McCoy said, smiling.    

“I know, Bones. You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” Dr. McCoy sighed. “I think I need to sit down though.” He started to sag and Nurse Chapel hurried over to him.

“Leonard, sit down. Let me check you.” She started fussing over him while he grumbled.

Jim bit his lip, then turned to McCoy. “Bones, can we use your office?”

“Sure, sure.”

I followed Jim into the doctor’s office and closed the door behind us. I still felt rather at a loss and currently unable to think logically.

Jim put his hands on my forearms. “I’m sorry.”

“It is I who owe you an apology,” I said softly. “All your denials of wrongdoing were quite correct. I should have trusted and believed you. It is not surprising you chose not to trust me.”

“Spock, it wasn’t a deliberate thing. I wasn’t even sure it would work. Khan might have killed Jouten instantly thinking it was me. It was a big chance. And I—”

“I understand.”

Jim briefly closed his eyes and when he opened them again, the affection I witnessed in his blue eyes was overwhelming. “I should have made time to tell you about it. I didn’t mean to hurt you in anyway.”

“I am aware and logically you are correct, there was no time to advise me of your plan. Any dismay I feel over not knowing it was not you is overcome by the relief I feel for knowing you are safe.”

Jim licked his lips and stepped closer, directly in my personal space. I did not mind. “And you’re okay? You promise?”

I hesitated. “I am no longer emotionally compromised over your seeming death. However, I find myself in turmoil over my own behavior toward you when I should have been your staunchest ally.”

“The evidence against me did seem to point toward my guilt.”

“Logic failed me. And I failed you,” I said simply. “That you have not walked completely away from me is indeed a testament to the fact you are far better than I am.”

“Spock—”

“And Starfleet? They must want to reinstate you as Captain.”

Jim shrugged. “There is talk of it. Nothing has been decided. And they want to give me another ship.”

“But the Enterprise is yours.”

“They don’t want to remove you as captain.”

“I do not wish to remain captain of the Enterprise when it is your rightful place.”

“I haven’t even accepted anyway.”

I exhaled very slowly as I studied his face. To harm one’s t’hy’la as I had done was unforgiveable. I did not deserve him and yet…being without him did not seem possible. “You belong in space exploring.”

“Maybe, maybe not,” Jim said. “We’ll see.”

“Jim—”

“Spock, let it go for now.” He moved his hand to my face, his fingers grazing my across my jaw. “We’re okay?”

“What I have done to you is unforgiveable, Jim.”

“But—”

“I do not deserve your forgiveness. I should resign my commission and live in exile.”

Jim’s eyebrows shot up. “Yeah, well, that’s exactly what you aren’t going to do. What would be unforgivable is if you walked away from me after all this.”

I closed my eyes. “I require meditation. My mind is disordered. My emotions unstable.”

Lips touched the corner of my mouth, then trailed up my jaw to my ear. I shivered.

“Don’t run away from me,” Jim whispered.

“I will…not.”

“Swear?”

“Yes.” I pulled him close, unable to remain rigid and unyielding, even in the face of my shame. I inhaled his scent, his very being.

“Okay. You go meditate. I have some Federation bullshit to take care of.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I borrowed the shape-shifting Antos idea from the OS episode Whom Gods Destroy


	13. Jim: Have You Lost Your Way? Livin' in the Shadow of the Messes That You Made

I went in search of Bones after I spoke with Starfleet. I assumed Spock was still meditating. I didn’t even check. First I owed some time with Bones.

I found him in his quarters. He’d taken a shower, was bundled up in pajamas and blankets and surrounded by several of his favorites dishes, none of which he seemed to have touched. He held a glass of bourbon in his hands.

“What’s all this?” I asked, as I plopped down on his couch.

Bones shrugged. “Christine. You just missed her. She was in here fussing at me.”

“Something between you two?”

“I don’t know,” Bones admitted. “What about you and the hobgoblin? You back together?”

I poured myself some bourbon. “I don’t know.”

“Well, we’re a pair.”

I studied him in silence for a long time. He let me, too. “Are you all right?”

“I don’t know that either. Probably need a psych eval. They didn’t really hurt me. Not physically, anyway. But the isolation—”

“I want to kill him.”

“You’re too good a man to just outright kill Khan.”

“Am I? I don’t know.”

Bones snorted. “I do. Whose idea was that little switcheroo by the way?”

“A little of both of us. Jouten had told me about his ability and he told me that the information he was hearing was that Khan had you.”

“Thought your days of consorting with pirates were through.”

I nodded. “Mostly.” I reached over and squeezed his hand. “These were special circumstances.”

Bones swallowed slowly and glanced away. “I knew you’d find me if anyone would. I wasn’t so sure about Spock.”

“Well, whatever Spock is or has done, he does care about you, Bones. He came to me for assistance in finding you.”

“You talk to the idiots in charge?”

I smiled. “Yeah. Finney is talking. A lot, apparently. And the Fleet? They’re apologetic.”

“I hope you told them where they can stick their apology?”

“No. Tempting though. They want to reinstate me.” I looked around. “Give me the ship back. They already said Spock has said he would gladly step aside. He told me much the same.”

“But?”

I shrugged. “I don’t think they’ve groveled enough. I don’t know, Bones. Have they damaged my reputation for all time? Maybe I should just give it up and stay out of space.”

“You love space and the Enterprise.”

"I love a lot of things. Doesn’t mean it’s the right choice for me.”

Bones sipped from his drink. “You mean Spock.”

“Some, yeah. I was so angry and hurt that he didn’t believe me. I had hoped despite all his facts and evidence, what I said would matter more.”

“But it didn’t.”

“No,” I whispered. “It hurts. Still. I mean I get the way he is, I do. But something tells me his counterpart would have reacted differently to my counterpart. I saw them through his mind, and they were different than me and this Spock.”

“Different how?”

“They had so much more trust than we did. Such a deeper connection. I just…I don’t feel that with him.”

“Maybe it takes time. They had more years together, didn’t they?”

“Maybe,” I acknowledged. “I just don’t know if we’ll ever reach that point. If our situations had been reversed, I would have believed Spock. No matter the evidence. And I thought we were at a place where I could count on the same.”

Bones nodded. “And what does the hobgoblin say about all this?”

“He regrets it, is remorseful, is undeserving, and must meditate.” I smirked.

“The usual then.”

“Yeah. The thing is, I want to forgive him.”

“But you haven’t.”

“No.”

“Where does that leave you, you think?” Bones asked.

“I honestly don’t know. I can’t imagine ever loving anyone else. He’s it for me. But does that mean we should be together? I don’t know, Bones.” I swirled the bourbon in my glass. “I told him not to walk away from me, from us. But should I have?”

“Give it some time, Jim.”

I squeezed his knee. “Look at me, making this all about me. As usual. Bones, I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Me, too. I’m getting too old for this.”

“Yeah, I hear you.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “You’re still a kid. “

****

I found Spock waiting for me in the guest quarters I’d been given. He was dressed in his meditation robes still.

“You were with Dr. McCoy?”

“How’d you know?”

“The computer.”

“Ah.” I nodded, searched his gaze. “Are you all right?”

“You have been reinstated as captain,” Spock said by way of answer.

“I haven’t accepted anything.”

“Starfleet notified me.”

I sighed in frustration. “Those assholes. I haven’t accepted, Spock. I wouldn’t do that without talking to you, and I am not even sure I’m going to.”

“T’hy’la,” he whispered, then approached me. His fingers spread on my face like he would do a meld, but he didn’t. “You do not want another ship.”

“No, but I don’t know if I want back in Starfleet.”

“You are still holding in much hurt and anger.”

I couldn’t deny it, so I didn’t bother.

“If you desire, I will spend the rest of my days begging forgiveness,” he said quietly.

“I don’t want that, Spock.”

“You have doubts.”

I closed my eyes and leaned into him. “Don’t you?”

“Jim, ashayam. We are not them. We should not be judged against their ideal, but what is our own.”

“I don’t know if I’m enough for you, Spock. I’m emotional, rash, completely illogical, and all the mind connected shit kind of scares the crap out of me. I can barely tolerate my thoughts, I can’t imagine what you’d think of them.”

“Jim—”

“Spock, I’ve never even had a real relationship, and I don’t know if I can go from that, straight to bonded forever. And I know that’s what Vulcans want. What you want. And if that’s what you want to do now, then I have to say, I’m just not ready for that. Not now. When we barely even trust each other.”

Spock closed his eyes. “I completely understand that.”

“Do you? Because I’ll walk away if that’s what you want me to do, Spock. It’ll kill me, but I will. Because I don’t want to tie you to me, if you can find someone who will give you everything you want.”

Spock’s arms wrapped tight around him. “Under the circumstances, your hesitation makes perfect sense. I only ask that you do not dismiss the possibility of bonding in the future, at a time I have proven myself to you as worthy of being your mate.”

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I know. And I love you. But it is not enough for either of us. Not really. But neither do I wish to give you up. Therefore, if you promise to consider bonding in the future, then I will accept it.”

My throat felt raw and clogged with emotion, it was hard to get words out, so I nodded. But Spock deserved the words, so I managed to croak out, “Okay, yeah.”

“I am well pleased,” Spock said then, though I knew he was anything but. “Will you sleep with me? Sleep, I mean. No sexual contact is needed. I just wish to sleep with you by my side.”

I kissed him. “Yeah. Yeah. I can do that.”


	14. Jim: 'Cause I Know What I've Been Missing And I Know That I Should Try

“You sure about this Jim?” Bones asked me.

Was I? Maybe. Hell, I didn’t know.

“No,” I said honestly. “But I do know I’m not ready to just forgive and forget what those fuckers put me through. I don’t want to make nice and pretend it never happened.”

“I get that,” Bones said. “I do. But Riverside?”

I stood outside the farmhouse, Bones standing beside me. The Enterprise had docked in San Francisco a week before. There were repairs to be done, and me to be returned to Earth after I refused to be reinstated as captain.  The crew had been given two weeks leave.

When I had informed the admiralty of my decision they had been less than pleased.  They’d spent three hours straight trying to change my mind. They’d sent in Spock to change my mind. They’d offered me a promotion to change my mind.

Here I was.

“You love space,” Bones said quietly. “And the Enterprise. You once told me it was the only place that felt like home to you.”

“Circumstances change people, Bones. Being set up, made a mockery of, having people you thought were friends disbelieve everything you’ve ever stood for. All of that changed me.”

“This is about Spock.”

I shook my head. “Spock’s betrayal hurt. But it’s more than that. My very reputation was damaged. Everyone knows it all wasn’t true, sure. They all know about it. They all look at me with suspicion, just the same.”

“But to let that ruin your career—”

“Haven’t you heard, Bones? They aren’t accepting my resignation. They’re giving me six month’s ‘medical leave’.” I snorted. “It’s bullshit. I feel like saying fuck you, I’m never coming back.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “I thought you did say that.”

I smiled. “Mostly.”

“And what about Spock? You’re going to stay here and let him fly away on your ship? You love him. He loves you, I think anyway. I admit he’s a stupid hobgoblin, Jim, but I do think he loves you.”

“If Spock loves me, he’ll love me when the Enterprise’s mission is over and he returns to Earth. Or we move on.” I had said it casually but my heart twisted painfully in my chest. I did not want to lose Spock. No matter what had come between us.

“You’ve got this all figured out, have you? Just you and this dead farmhouse?”

I nodded. “It won’t be so bad. And hell, maybe in six months, I will change my mind and want to be the Fleet’s poster boy again.” I squeezed his shoulder. “You coming in?”

“Nah, my shuttle leaves for Georgia in only thirty minutes,” Bones said. “As it is I’m only going to get to see my girl for five days.”

“You didn’t have to come with me. You could have gone directly there.”

Bones stared at me. “Yeah, I did. I’m always on your side and I’ll always make sure you’re okay. And now…you saved my life. When you didn’t have to.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Bones. I had to.” I hugged him tight, trying to ignore the lump forming in my throat. “Be safe, yeah?”

“You too. And check with me every day. Twice a day.”

I tucked some of his hair behind his ear. It had gotten a little longer while he’d been in captivity. He hadn’t bothered to cut it. “You’ll be in space soon.”

“Even still.”

“Are you okay, Len? Really?” I searched his gaze, his face. There were lines that hadn’t been there before. A sadness too.

“I’m getting there, Jim.”

“You want to talk about it?”

“You sound like me,” Bones cracked. “That’s my line.” He hugged me again. “If I do, you’ll be the first one to know.”

“Let me know when you get there.”

“I will.”

I waited until Bones had moved off and away from the farmhouse before I stepped up to it. It was then I noticed Spock sitting in a rocking chair on the porch.

My mouth hung open. “Spock?”

He stood up. I noticed there was a suitcase next to the chair.

“What are you doing here?”

“It is my understanding you will be staying here.”

“Uh. Yeah.”

Spock nodded. “How will I repair our relationship if we are parted?”

I blinked rapidly, still processing that he was there. “But the Enterprise?”

“I resigned my commission.”

“Who’s manning my ship?”

“I do not know.”

“Spock, your career.”

“You are more important. I hope you will soon believe that. And that l will earn your trust.”

I was gobsmacked. “I didn’t want you to do that.”

“Nevertheless I am here.” Spock looked toward the door. “Perhaps we should go inside.”

“Uh. Yeah.” I took out the keys and opened the front door.  

 


	15. Spock: Resolute

“So. Uh. This is the place.”

I looked around as I followed Jim into the house. It was smaller than I expected it to be and I was not certain why. The downstairs consisted of a fairly small kitchen, a dining room, and living area that included a fireplace. I was not certain how many bedrooms were included on the floor above so I asked.

“Three, actually. The master bedroom which has its own bathroom and two other bedrooms which share a bathroom between them. Growing up those were used by my brother and me.”

Jim looked around and set his own suitcase down in the dining room.

“I wasn’t really expecting you.”

“So you have indicated. That is actually more evidence our relationship needs work.”

He sighed. “I don’t know. Should we even have a relationship? Are we past that?”

“You did indicate that you would be willing to try when we were onboard the Enterprise,” I reminded him carefully.

“You want a bond.”

“Yes. We have been over this, Jim. You said you love me. I reciprocate. If we are never able to bond, then so be it.”

“That’s not what you said before.”

I inwardly sighed. “It is my preference to bond, yes. But it is also my preference to be with you. I would rather have you by my side then not.”

He huffed out a breath. “I guess I’ll show you to one of the other bedrooms then.”

Of course my preference was to stay with him in the master bedroom, but though I wished to push my luck, I did not, and instead followed him to one of the other rooms.

****

I did not sleep well. I never have slept as many hours as humans, supplementing my rest periods with meditation. But sleeping in a strange location as was the case in Jim’s Riverside farmhouse, my sleep was even more disturbed.

I found my desire was to be near Jim, by his side, but I suspected my entering his room in the middle of the night would not be welcomed. So, when I could no longer pretend to sleep, I meditated on how I would obtain Jim’s trust in me once more. I had failed him. I would not do so again.

When I concluded my meditation and went down to the ground floor of the farmhouse I saw signs that Jim had already risen, but I did not locate him indoors. I fixed myself tea and then took the mug with me outside. In the distance I spotted him, crouched down next to what looked like had once been a garden. To grow what, I did not know.

“Jim?”

He had heard my approach and had already glanced my way. “Good morning. Sleep well?”

“Not particularly.”

He gave me a wry smile. “Yeah me either.”

“What are you doing?”

“Well, it’s still early enough to plant some vegetables and fruit to grow for late spring, early summer. I was just checking out the soil.”

“What would you grow?”

“Corn for one. Bell peppers. Green beans. Maybe even some berries. I thought I’d go into town later and get some seeds and plants.”

“You plan to stay an extended period here then?” I inquired.

Jim stood. He was dressed in jeans, boots, and a flannel shirt. He had a bit of stubble on his face, too. He looked beautiful, really. It made me ache. “Well. I did sort of warn you of that, Spock. If you thought I’d turn right around and return to San Francisco, then you’re in for a shock.”

“I did not. However, I do confess that I had not anticipated that you intended to stay long enough to cultivate a garden.”

Jim eyed me, his blue eyes piercing. “You don’t have to stay.”

I suspected he would keep pushing me to leave, his way of testing my resolve to stay behind on Earth with him. But I resolute, just as he was.

“I will stay.”

His lips thinned and he looked away. “Suit yourself. Anyway, I’ll head into the town proper later and get the stuff. Probably need some food too. With both of us staying. You’ll want all the vegetarian shit and I’ll want some meat.”

I quirked a brow at his derision for my vegetarian diet. “I will come with you.”

“Yeah? Okay. We can maybe get some lunch while we’re out.”

****

Jim was a popular figure in Riverside, greeted enthusiastically by everyone we encountered. A number of females were particularly effusive and if Jim had shown even the slightest interest in them I might have been jealous. He was polite with everyone, quite pleasant with some, but not encouraging of further interaction with any.   

Our lunch had been a quiet affair, Jim choosing a greasy hamburger while I’d had a salad. Neither of us had felt the need to engage in idle conversation, but rather than feeling awkward it felt companionable.

Jim acquired the seeds and vegetation he needed for his garden, then we stopped at the grocery store for more supplies. It was late afternoon when we returned to the farmhouse, but Jim announced there was plenty of daylight left for him to begin to plant.

I returned to the house for more meditation and then later made potato leek soup and crusty bread for both of us for dinner.

Jim eyed me over his soup. “This is downright domesticated.”

“That had occurred to me also.”

Jim smiled. “You’re going to get bored pretty fast, Spock.”

“As are you.” I reached for more bread. “In fact, I anticipate the likelihood you will become bored more quickly has odds of—”

“Yeah,” Jim interrupted. “Okay. Maybe. We’ll see.”

After dinner, Jim did the dishes by hand, but kept gazing at me with a look I could not interpret. As I went to get more tea, he splashed me with soapy water, then laughed at my surprise.

“You’re too cute with suds in your hair.”

“Doubtful.”

Suddenly he was in my personal space, his lips very close to mine, and I found that I could not mind at all. My heart rate seemed to skip several beats.

“Jim.”

“Hey.” His breath ghosted across my face, heating my cheeks, then my mouth, as he cocked his head to the side. “Do you?”

I swallowed heavily. I desperately wanted to touch him, to put my hands on his waist. “Do I what?”

“Want to fuck?” The words were hoarse, raspy, and went straight to my cock, which rose as if by magic. I wanted to take him right there, in the kitchen, against the counter, on the table. Everywhere in the house I wanted to mark with us, as us.

“Yes.” It came out more as a growl.

My hands grasped his waist, lifting him easily off the floor and into my arms. I headed for the dining room table, lowering him down on his back, reaching for the fastenings on his pants. He toed off his shoes, even as I lowered the zipper of his pants and reached inside for his cock.       

Jim mewled, pushing up against my hand as my fingers curled around him, pulling him out from the confines of his boxer briefs.

“Spock, please, please, please,” he begged.

It was my undoing. I quickly removed his pants and briefs, leaving him only in his flannel shirt, before undoing my own trousers enough for my cock to be free to enter him.  I was already slick and ready, but usually I added to it before taking him. But neither of us seemed willing to wait to fetch more lubricant, so I lifted his legs up around my waist and slowly pushed into him.

It would not take long for either of us. Jim was already panting out my name as I drove into him, pushing us both to a fast and furious fulfillment. I met his gaze, my hand lifting toward his face, and to my relief and joy, he nodded permission. I touched our minds together, joining us in a meld, and it was enough to send us both over the edge to ecstasy.


	16. Jim: Without a Noise, Without My Pride, I Reach Out From the Inside

I’d always thought when I walked away from Starfleet that first time—walked away from Spock—that maybe it wouldn’t have gone so very wrong if we’d just given in to the desire to fuck each other senseless.

We’d spent so long dancing around each other, aware early on, I think on some deeper level, that we would always be more than friends, but unable to act on that because of girlfriends or mad men or our own reluctance to give in totally to the only thing in both our lives that made sense.

And when we finally were willing to admit to our feelings—emotions were something both of us dreaded really—it had become too late. The plot against me had already been set in motion and his grasping on to that one thread of hope that he could avoid all the emotional turmoil involved with me by deciding I had to be guilty of exactly what they accused me of.

For I knew deep down, Spock had wanted to believe all that was said, implied, about me. He might not admit it even now. But he wanted to so that he could escape me. Escape the certain pain that would come from loving me, wanting me, above all else.

I know, because I might have done the same thing were I in his shoes. I don’t know. I would have liked to think I would believe in Spock no matter what. I had even said that I would. But would I? I didn’t want to examine that too closely.

In many ways Spock and I were alike. Both running from what we wanted more than anything, scared to think it could mean so much to us.

All these thoughts were swirling around in my brain and I felt such tightness in my chest. Even as I was coming down from incredible sex with Spock. And a meld. There was something so unbelievably intimate about melding with the one being in the world you loved above all else. I would kill for Spock. I would die for him. And I really didn’t need a meld to know he felt the same about me, yet having that, cleared all remaining doubt from my mind.

Spock was now one determined Vulcan.

He was easing me off the table, which had grown colder and harder somehow than before. His touch had turned gentle, soothing. And almost tentative. Like he expected me to suddenly push away from him and curse him for daring to touch me. He probably did expect that.

My bare feet touched the cold floor of the dining room. I stood once more, on solid ground, but Spock had not released his hold on me. We were plastered together as though pulling apart might damage one of us. I think I knew who.

So instead of struggling to get away or even trying to put distance between us, I just let him hold me. His breathing had evened out but there was still a strange shakiness to it.

“Spock?”

His arms tightened, though I hadn’t thought they could get any snugger against me.

“You okay?”

If I hadn’t been so close to him, almost part of him, I might have missed the slight shake of his head.

“Are you emotionally compromised?” I meant it to be teasing, but I realized after I spoke that it wasn’t particularly funny to either of us. I soothed my hand down his back. “Spock, it’s getting a little cold like this.”

Finally he eased back just an inch or so, but it was enough for our gazes to meet. His brown eyes were swirling with turbulence.

“I fear you,” he said softly, with such a broken cadence my heart hammered painfully in my chest.

“Fear?”

“You have the ability to destroy me in ways I do not think you even comprehend.”

I touched my hand to his jaw. “And yet you are here…with me.”

He shook his head very slightly. “I can be nowhere else. I would rather be a dog at your heels than be parted from you in any way.”

I closed my eyes, leaned my forehead against his. “I can’t stand it when you say things like that.”

“Why?”

“Because you scare the fuck out of me too,” I admitted. “It’s not supposed to be like this, is it? This intensity. It’s like…an obsession. That can’t be healthy.”

“I do not know. I only know what it _is_ like, not what it is _supposed_ to be like.” He huffed out a breath. “Do not send me away. Please.”

“I-I’m not going to.” My foot brushed against him as I moved closer again.

“You _are_ cold,” Spock whispered. “Your foot is like an ice cube.”

I found myself lifted into his arms like I weighed nothing.

“What are you doing?”

“Carrying you upstairs where I can lay you beneath the covers.”

I looped my arms around his neck. “I can walk you know.”

“Why should you when I am here to carry you?”

I snorted at that, but he merely raised his brow and headed toward the stairs with me as his bundle.

He had me upstairs and into the master bedroom in no time and before I could find the words to protest—like I would have—he drew back the covers of my bed and laid me down on the mattress. I still wore only the flannel shirt he had not taken off before our love making. He stood next to the bed, fully clothed save for his undone pants. His hair was messy from my pulling and yanking on it while he had been inside me. In short he was like some Greek god from a myth. Gorgeous and proud. So beautiful.

I took off the flannel shirt and flung it away, then I opened my arms in invitation to him.  He removed his own clothes and slipped into bed with me, drawing me close as he pulled the covers over both of us.

“Sleep, kan-bu,” he whispered, his fingers resting on my face, but not actually melding with me. I closed my eyes with a sigh and relaxed against him. I was already feeling sleepy, my eyelids heavy, and I knew soon slumber would claim me.   


	17. Spock: I Look to the Time With You to Keep Me Awake and Alive

I had been meditating for nearly an hour when Jim’s nearly frantic calling of my name from his bedroom had me scrambling to my feet and hurrying to him.

“Spock?”

He was sitting up in bed, blue eyes wide and panicked. His gaze landed on me as I hurried to the bed.

“I am here.” I grasped his biceps gently, hauling him forward until he was nearly in my lap.

“Sorry. Sorry.” His face was in my neck, I felt the moisture there.

“Nightmare?”

“Yeah. Yeah. God I’m pathetic.” He tried to pull back but I held him to me.

“There is no shame in dreams your subconscious forces you to have.”

“No, but blubbering over them like some damn idiot is shameful.” He pushed at me and this time I allowed him the space to pull away.

“Do you desire to share the nature of your dream with me?”

I recalled that so long ago one of our first romantic encounters, no intimacy then, just closeness, had surrounded a nightmare he’d had. I had been passing his quarters when his distress had made itself known to me. I had entered his quarters, not seeking permission first, and found him highly agitated and distraught. I’d spent the night there with him, talking and holding him only, but it had been so simplistic in its romanticism that I had never forgotten it. I did not believe Jim had either.

“No. It was…just…it was stupid.”

“For you to be so upset it must not have been stupid.”

He smiled a little. “That’s what you think. There was this big giant orange hairy monster chasing me in Engineering.”

“A giant hairy monster?”

“Uh-huh. Orange, you forgot.” Jim shook his head. “The kind of dreams you’re supposed to have as a kid, I guess. Only I never had them then.”

“You did not have nightmares as a child?”

“Oh, I had them. Just…the monsters then were real.” His gaze slid away from mine for a second, and then back to me, his eyes carefully blank. “Were you meditating?”

“I was, yes.”

“Sorry for interrupting.”

I leaned in to place a kiss upon his lips just after he had licked them. “You are never interrupting.”

“Um. About last night.”

I pulled back, instantly on alert.

“No, no.” Jim touched his fingertips to my jaw. “Don’t do that, okay?”

“To what do you refer?”

Jim shook his head. “I’m not freaking out on you, or telling you to back off. I’m not going to keep yanking your chain.”

I furrowed my brows. At times his words confused me.

He smiled. “You know what I mean. I’m not messing with you or your head. I wouldn’t do that.”

“Very well.”

“I just…I wanted to thank you. For staying with me. All night.”

My heart constricted. I reached for his hand. “I told you I can be nowhere else. There is nothing or no one that matters to me more than you, kan-bu.”

The smile was back, so stunning I had to catch my breath. “I never expected you to call me that.” He shook his head. “Or anything like it, really. It still takes some getting used to.”

“It is true Vulcans do not use a lot of endearments.”

“I don’t care what Vulcans do. I care about what you do.” His blue eyes looked like they could see into my soul. Into my very katra. “I’ve never wanted or needed anyone like I do you. Sometimes I don’t know where I start and you begin.”

He suddenly shifted until he was straddling me, fusing his lips to mine in a heated kiss. It was kiss that caused me to ache with need, with love, with heartbreak. I could not explain all the emotions filling me and I knew some came from the man reaching beneath himself to push my meditation robe aside.

“Jim,” I moaned against his lips.

“Spock,” he said, with a note of teasing, even as he kissed me breathless once more. He wore only shorts, which I ripped from his body. He laughed. “Anxious?”

“Yes.”

Jim sucked on my bottom lip. “There’s no need. Fuck me.”

I could deny him nothing and I did not want to deny him this. I gripped his hipbones, lifting him up high enough to for my slick erect penis to slip inside him.

“Oh, God.” He squeezed down on me, arching his back as he did so. He was beautiful. And he was mine.

I thrust up, the bed squeaking beneath us as I hammered into him.

And then he was whimpering, leaning forward to graze his teeth against my jaw.

I was undone.

****

As I turned on the coffeemaker, and poured myself tea, I looked into the refrigerator for something to make us for breakfast. I heard the shower turn off from the floor above.

My PADD beeped, so I picked it up from the counter even as I took out the carton of eggs out.

_Spock,_

_How is Jim? Is he ready to rejoin Starfleet yet? Is he eating? He’s not drinking is he? Are you behaving yourself? You aren’t hurting him are you? He’s not hurting you is he? Don’t let him be an ass._

_McCoy._

I could hear Jim’s footsteps upstairs from his room. I knew he would be down soon. I poured his coffee and fixed it as was he preference and set it on the counter where he would find it.

_Doctor,_

_He is well. No. Yes. No. Yes. Never. Of course not. He is not and I will not._

_Spock._

_PS. T_ _ake care of yourself, also, doctor._

The creak of the stairs. Jim came up behind me, leaning over my shoulder.

“The doctor,” I murmured.

“What’s Bones want?” Jim scooped up his coffee and took a sip with a grateful smile.

“To check up on us.”

Jim smirked. “What did you tell him?”

“To take care of himself.”

Jim stepped close and put an arm around my neck. “After breakfast, you want to help me with my garden?”

“I am amenable.” I accepted his soft kiss. And for the first time in a long time there was hope that I would gain the life with Jim I hadn’t even realized was as important as the air I breathed.


	18. Jim: Please Forgive Me if I Need You Like I Do

I had to admit Spock with his hands in dirt was a strange sight to see. He’d been working in my garden for about three hours, not complaining even once. And I knew from personal experience Spock could complain with the best of them, though he would deny it.

“Had enough yet for the day?” I asked, dropping to my knees next to where he sat pulling weeds and patting soil around the tomato plants I’d bought.

“If you have completed your gardening ritual for the day.”

I laughed. “It’s not a ritual.” I decided my knees were too achy for my position, so I plopped down on the ground next to him. “It’s coming along pretty well.”

“Did you have a garden as a child?”

“My grandmother did. And then for a while after she died, my mother tended it. But like everything else, she eventually gave up on it. Was too hard to tend from space, anyway. And certainly her husband wasn’t going to do it.”

“Her husband?”

“Yeah, Frank. What an asshole.”

“You were not fond of your stepfather?”

I snorted. “Definitely not. And I don’t consider him that.”

“What do you consider him?” Spock asked.

“An asshole.” I sighed. “My mother’s husband. The dick who tormented me.”

“Was he abusive?”

“Sure. Nearly broke my jaw once.” I shook my head. “Drunk most of the time. Miserable with his life. I don’t know why he ever married my mother or why she married him. As far as I could tell they never loved each other. I guess…she was lonely. Frank? Maybe she was the only one who would have him.”

Spock was quiet for a moment as his fingers continued to sink in the soil. “Where is he now?”

“Oh he’s been gone for a while.”

“Dead?”

I wondered if I imagined the hopeful tone in Spock’s voice. I shook my head. “No. Well, honestly, I don’t know. We didn’t keep in touch. But Mom divorced him after…”

“After?”

I picked up a handful of soil and let it run through my fingers. “When I was thirteen, I drove one of his classic cars over a cliff. Barely escaped it myself. Mom was off planet. Frank sent me away to live in this sort of boarding school on another planet.”

“Without your mother’s permission?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “It was either that or Juvenile Detention.”

“I do recall the car incident in your history. But I did not see the information about your being removed from Earth.”

“Not surprising really. It was classified.” I was aware my voice had become distant, as if I was relaying some story that had happened to someone else. “The planet I was sent to was…Tarsus IV.”

Spock’s gaze flew to mine, his eyes wide.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “Mom was pissed when she found out. For a while she came back and we lived here, her and I. But eventually she couldn’t stick around and she went back to space.”

“Who took care of you then?”

I shrugged. “Me.”

“You must have still been a child.”

“Fifteen. I managed.” I flicked my head in the direction of the farmhouse. “I lived here alone. Mom left a little money and I worked some.”

“Where was your brother during all this?”

I laughed without humor. “That fucker left years before. Actually right before I drove Frank’s car over the cliff. I’ve never heard from him since.”

“Not once?” Spock asked quietly.

“Nope. Good riddance. He never cared about me anyway. Once when Frank was drunk he shoved my head into a toilet and tried to drown me. I’d said a curse word or whatever and he said if I was going to talk like a toilet, I could become one with one. He shoved my face down so deep I really thought I was going to die. He let me up, finally, and as I lay there gasping my brother just stood there with a smirk on his face. He never did anything to help me, never intervened. I think his philosophy was better me than him.”

“I am sorry you were forced to endure such things.”

I huffed out a breath and stood wiping my dirty hands on my jeans. “Water under the bridge now, as they say. I don’t dwell on it. What good does that do anyway?” I reached a hand down to help him up. When he stood, he did not wipe his dirty hands on his pants. Of course not. Instead he pulled out a towel from a pocket and wiped his hands on it. I couldn’t help but find him adorably amusing.

I turned to survey the yard. “So I don’t know. I think maybe I’ll get horses or something. Maybe a dairy cow. Chickens.”

“It is really your intention to become a gentleman farmer?”

Was it?

I glanced at him. His expression was carefully blank. “You can go back to San Francisco, you know. Or New Vulcan. Space. Anywhere you want, Spock.”

“That does not answer my question,” Spock replied.

“I don’t really know.” I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans. I needed a shower anyway. Probably a shave, too. Maybe a haircut. But the beauty of being there was I didn’t have to do any of it if I didn’t want to. “I hate them. All of them. For believing the very worst of me.”

“And me as well.” His voice was soft, almost like a whisper.

“I can’t hate you, Spock. I love you. I’ll always love you. People have believed the worst of me for as long as I can remember. And I thought, after everything, after Nero and Khan, maybe I’d earned, I don’t know, not respect exactly, but some reasonable doubt that I was the fucker everybody thought I was.”

“Jim—”

“No, it’s okay, Spock. Really. It is. I can’t live my life bitter over should have beens. I do forgive you, Spock. You went with what you’ve known all your life, the logic of it all.” I turned to Spock. “I forgive you because I love you and I have to and I know you do the best you can, in any circumstances, and I wouldn’t change who you are. But them? I don’t have to forgive them. I don’t have to bow down to their wishes or their demands. It’s my life and my choices. And if I choose to stay here until the end of my days, well, tough shit for them.”

“I agree with that,” Spock said. “You owe them nothing.”

“But you? You don’t have to live by the dictates of my bitterness. You’re free to do whatever you want. And I won’t stop you or blame you.”

Spock took hold of my biceps. “What I want is to be by your side for the rest of our days. If that is to be here, with horses and chickens and cows, then so be it. I wish to bond with you, marry you, spend eternity with you.” He visibly swallowed. “And even if all you ever wanted from me for the years to come is friendship only, I will still be by your side. Even if you marry someone else, have children with someone else, grow old with someone else, I will be here. With you.”

I shook my head, a lump of emotion forming in my throat, my chest constricted. “I don’t want anyone else. Ever. And if that’s a proposal, Mr. Spock, I accept.”

He pulled me into his arms. “Even with all of my flaws?”

I kissed his jaw. “Yes. And you accept mine, too.”

“You do not have any.”

I laughed. “Love really is blind. What if I never go back?”

“You keep asking me that, and my answer is the same. Then _we_ will not go back. You are my heart, my soul.”

“You really are a romantic, Mr. Spock. Taluhk nash-veh k'dular,” I whispered, leaning closer still. “Did I get that right?”

Spock kissed me. “Perfect, ashal-veh. Perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
